San Diego divorce lawyer and marriage family therapist part 2
San Diego divorce lawyer and marriage family therapist part 1
When people first find out that I am a San Diego divorce lawyer and licensed marriage family therapist, they often ask me how I chose both careers. They wonder about the similarities and differences between the two careers and the training involved in each of them.
This is the first in a series of blogs that will demonstrate how being a licensed marriage family therapist is not only similar to being a divorce attorney, but is also extremely helpful for my clients.
In order to become a marriage family therapist I obtained a Bachelor’s degree and a Master’s degree in psychology. I studied various psychology and human behavior classes including, child development, family therapy, and disorders and diagnosis.
When people find out about my education and experience they understand how learning about child development and family systems relates directly to my practice of divorce and child custody.
My background and experience as a licensed marriage family therapist helps me better understand the underlying issues my clients are going through in their divorce and custody situations. Many clients want a divorce lawyer who can genuinely understand what they are going through in this stressful situation. My education and experience as a divorce lawyer in San Diego and as a licensed marriage family therapist allows me to focus on my client’s needs while resolving their legal situation.
I will delve into this deeper in part two of this series.
San Diego divorce lawyer talks kids and baseball playoffs
As a San Diego divorce lawyer, I have many clients whose children play various sports. Besides being a fun activity for children, a lot of times children of divorce enjoy playing sports as a way to get away from the conflict they may have seen between their parents. They also may use the games as a way to have both parents cheer for them, which is one thing they can agree upon.
As the baseball playoffs approach, I remember back to my childhood and some of the best times I had at school was when the teachers would roll in the television sets so that we could watch the baseball playoffs during class time. My teachers would have us discuss the games, which made it a fun way to enjoy school as well as learn in class.
Nowadays the technology is so advanced that children can stream video and watch baseball games on their cell phones during recess or lunch. Somehow that loses the excitement of sitting in class even if only for one day and rooting for your favorite team with your friends.
This may not seem like a big deal to some and could seem like a waste of time to school officials. As a San Diego divorce lawyer, I would invite you to ask a child who is dealing with divorce issues if taking a few hours out of the school day to watch a baseball playoff game is a nice distraction from their stress. I don’t think the answer would surprise many.
San Diego Divorce Lawyer Discusses Smart Phones
As a San Diego divorce lawyer who has clients dealing with co-parenting issues, a situation that comes up a lot has to do with a child wanting to purchase a smart phone. This is especially relevant given the recent release of the new IPhone.
Let’s face it, most teenagers have smart phones and they bring them to school. In fact, many schools allow smart phones to be on in classrooms so that they can be used for learning. Nowadays, children under the age of 10 are learning how to maneuver around a smart phone by using their parent’s phone to play games, check the weather, or in many cases check their own email.
As much as this may bother many people who grew up without the aid of a smart phone until they were adults, smart phones have become part of our culture and a part of everyday life. This doesn’t mean, however, that we have to accept that every child should have a smart phone or that there shouldn’t be rules to regulate their use especially when parents reside in different homes with different rules.
What I see a lot in my practice as a San Diego divorce lawyer is where parents live in separate houses and one parent has few or no rules regarding the use of smart phones while another parent is much stricter about the use of these devices. What makes matters worse is when one parent buys the child a smart phone without the other parent’s knowledge or permission. Sometimes this act can be innocuous or it might be done in spite do the issues the parents have with one another. Regardless of the reason, when this occurs it can cause conflict not just between the parents, but between the child and their parents.
The use of a smart phone brings up many issues such as who will pay for it, how much use is too much, and many other issues that is much more detailed than can fit in this blog. If there is disagreement among the parents regarding the need of a smart phone for their child then the issue of who will pay for it becomes top priority. As we know buying a phone isn’t the costly part of a smart phone. The monthly service fee is what is so expensive. It would be important that the parents arrange with each other or with the child to share the cost of the phone before purchasing it. Otherwise this can become an issue for a judge to decide, which can cause other conflicts that can negatively affect the child.
Additionally, how much a child is allowed to use the phone and during what situations they are allowed to use it can be another area of conflict. Like most co-parenting issues, reaching a compromise or a happy medium works best in these situations.
As a San Diego divorce lawyer, I explain to my clients that the best alternative is for each parent to cooperate with each other and agree on the decision whether to allow their child to use a smart phone.
San Diego Divorce Lawyer Discusses Fall TV Shows
As a San Diego divorce lawyer who has clients dealing with co-parenting issues, a predominate theme my clients deal with is when their child wants to watch a TV show that includes adult-oriented subjects. While one parent is able to control what their child watches in their home, their ability to control what the child watches with the other parent is limited at best.
Similar to issues such as what a child should eat, what time they should go to bed, or what clothes a child should be allowed to wear, what the child should watch on TV is an area that is usually controlled by the parent with whom the child is staying at a certain time. Additionally, this is an area that the Court does not usually make orders around.
This is extremely relevant given that the new fall TV season is upon us and there will be plenty of shows that one parents deems off limits to their child while the other parent does not quite agree. I am not making judgments or taking sides, but rather pointing out the problems this can create.
How many times have you heard, “My Mom/Dad let me watch that show at their house?” Unfortunately, this happens more often than perhaps you would care to admit. The next step is usually to discuss with the child that it does not matter what the other parent lets them do, this is your house and they will follow the rules while living there. There are many problems associated with this response including but not limited to the child arguing, rebelling, or even asking to live with the other parent.
As a San Diego divorce lawyer, I can tell you the best solution to this problem would be to discuss the issue with the other parent and agree what your child should and should not watch on TV. This easiest and best solution, however, is not always possible. When parents have issues co-parenting their children, they are not always able to discuss issues and may disagree only to spite the other parent.
With the stress of school, the issue of what your child can or cannot watch on TV may be an issue that is best covered by a discussion with your child about why you feel the way you do and creating a list of possible alternative shows they can watch. Remember, it is best to pick and choose your battles with your child and what they watch on TV may be a big or small issue depending on their age, their ability to understand the subject matter, as well as the amount of violence in the shows they want to watch.
As a San Diego divorce lawyer, I explain to my clients that the best alternative is for each parent to cooperate with each other and agree on what shows your child can watch, but when that cannot happen, explaining the situation and your concerns to your child can be a great step in the right direction.
San Diego Divorce Lawyer Discusses Back to School Night
A San Diego Divorce Lawyer Discusses Buying School Supplies
As a San Diego divorce lawyer who has focused on custody issues for the last 12 years, one of the most stressful times of the year is when children go back to school.
It is difficult enough for parents who have issues with co-parenting to decide which extra-curricular activities their children should participate in. What happens when school is starting and that dreaded list of school supplies comes out? How do parents decide who buys which items? What happens when one parent decides a certain item is unnecessary?
As a San Diego divorce lawyer, I can tell you that purchasing school supplies is one area of disagreement that can cause stress as well as embarrassment for children. Think about how it would be for a child to return to school on the first day of class without a certain required item when all other children have that item. What excuse does that child make? Do they tell the truth and say they did not purchase that item because their parents were fighting and could not agree on whether it was needed.
Of course, one solution to this problem would be for one parent to use their own money and buy the item for their child. This however, is a short-term solution because what usually happens then is that the parent who refused to buy the item tells the other parent that they can buy all the supplies in the future. This isn’t fair to that parent and in the long run isn’t fair to the child because buying school supplies is actually an experience that allows a parent to bond with their child and to share a school activity with them.
Instead of causing embarrassment for the child, the parents should discuss the school supply list in advance and determine who will buy which supply for the child. If they cannot figure this out, then a co-parenting class may be needed since this is probably not the only decision they have trouble making together.
As a San Diego divorce lawyer, I believe it is imperative for my clients to understand the importance of working together with the other parent for the sake of their children.
A San Diego Divorce Lawyer Who Understands the Importance of Family Court Services (FCS)
I am the only San Diego divorce lawyer with prior work experience at Family Court Services (FCS), 11 years in fact. Based on my firsthand knowledge of the process, I can tell you the importance of the Family Court Services mediation session when determining your court-ordered custody plan.
First, as a San Diego divorce lawyer who worked at FCS I should probably explain what the process is for those who have never gone through this process or are in the stage of going through the process . First off, not all counties in California are Recommending Counties. This means not all counties have the FCS counselor make a recommendation after mediation regarding their parenting plan. San Diego County among many others is a Recommending County. Therefore, if you live in San Diego County or one of the many Recommending Counties in California, the following information is important for you.
Whenever a parent files a motion in court asking for an order for a parenting plan or a modification to an existing court-ordered parenting plan and there is disagreement between the parents, they are ordered to attend a “mediation” session. Unless the parents go to private mediation or a custody evaluator, the remaining large majority of them end up at Family Court Services.
The Child Recommending Counselor that the parents meet with at Family Court Services will interview both parents and attempt to have them reach agreement upon a parenting plan for their children. Should an agreement be reached, this goes to the judge who will generally make it the court-ordered parenting plan. Should the parents fail to reach agreement, the FCS Child Recommending Counselor will make a recommendation to the court regarding a parenting plan.
As you can tell from this explanation, the recommendation coming from Family Court Services is a very important component to determining one’s custody plan. As a San Diego divorce lawyer, I believe it is imperative for my clients to be as prepared as possible when going to their Family Court Services mediation session.
CHILDREN TEXTING
Have you noticed while out maybe at a restaurant or at a ballgame the number of children texting while with their parents? It’s hard to miss sometimes. These children do not hide it or cover up what they are writing. They are proud of the fact that they are texting while they are supposed to be interacting with their parents or watching the event they are present for.
There are many points of view on this behavior and as a child custody lawyer in San Diego I have heard many arguments in favor of this behavior and against it. For the record, I am not taking sides, but rather pointing out some aspects that perhaps you have never considered when thinking about children texting.
First, when I was a mediator with Family Court Services, I heard perspectives by both the custodial parent and the non-custodial parent as to their thoughts about the appropriateness of their children texting while with them. Please bear in mind, this texting did not always occur while the child and parent were out in public, but also occurred while they were home relaxing.
The non-custodial parent would mention during their mediation session, that their child would not pay attention to them when they were attempting to have a conversation with them. Instead, their child would either be texting a friend or the custodial parent. This would anger the parent who only had limited time with their child and inevitably they would blame the custodial parent for this behavior.
The custodial parent would indicate that behavior never occurs in their presence and they would blame the non-custodial parent because if it was not for their lack of interest for their child the child would talk to them rather than text their friends.
The truth most likely falls somewhere in between the two perspectives as I pointed out to the couple during their mediation and as I continue to point out to my family law clients. It is not unusual or unhealthy for children to text while with either parent. Sometimes kids just need some time out from the real world stresses like their parents do now and then. Texting in the middle of a stimulating conversation with one’s parent or at a ball game in the midst of an exciting play is not the greatest timing and may be annoying to parents and others present. While taking some time away from real world stressors may not be the worst thing, try and remember, however, that too much of something can lead to problems.
Overall, it is important that parents talk to each other and discuss concerns they have about their children and work together to try and reach solutions or compromises. Texting or no texting is a decision for a parent to make not the child, and with the consistency of the other parent supporting this decision, it makes it easier for the child to follow the rules at both parents’ homes.
Co-Parenting
The ability to co-parent is an extremely important concept to follow when couples with children separate or divorce. A working definition I will use for co-parenting is the ability of both parents to work together to focus on the needs of their child. This seems like a simple concept to understand and master yet a high number of couples are unable to co-parent.
As I tell my clients in San Diego, when parents do not communicate well with each other, it makes it difficult for them to make decisions that are in their child’s best interests. When parents cannot make decisions in the best interests of their children it could cause emotional and behavioral problems for these children. One reason for this is when children view their parents as unable to work together they tend to try and play one parent against the other. All too often in my family law divorce practice, I have clients tell me that their children are out of control and are having problems in school.
The inability to co-parent too often leads to one parent being the disciplinarian while the other parent takes on the role of the “good guy” making it so that the children follow different rules in each parent’s home. Due to the general nature of children, they tend to react better to the parent who gives them what they want rather than make them follow strict rules. In many of these cases, the children act out in school causing both behavioral interference and lower grades. Drug and alcohol use can result from this situation as well.
While I have painted a bleak picture, there are ways around these problems and ways to resolve these problems should they occur. An easy solution is for the parents to understand the importance of co-parenting and how it is best for their children and work together in developing rules and making decisions. Should this not be a decision the parents make initially, they can learn how to do this by attending a co-parenting class. They may do this of their own free will or by court order. There are many co-parenting classes in San Diego where I practice and you can search for one in your area online.
Should a child exhibit any behavioral or emotional issues, their parents should explore the idea of obtaining counseling for them. It is important to focus on the issues before they get out of hand and cause problems for your child. Although co-parenting may not always be easy, it is important to try to do this so your child can learn this important skill.